I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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