Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
