Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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