just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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