Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
