2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
