he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
