Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
