What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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