She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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