he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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