Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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