Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
She needs sedatives and a leash
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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