She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I FOUND THE LEGS
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
