sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
