We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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