your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
