between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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