Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
