For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
