I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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