i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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