My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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