I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
