history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
