This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
