it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
