i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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