What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
