I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
