Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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