wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
