I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
