i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
