Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
