My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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