Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
