Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Don't tell me you're on acid again
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
