i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
