i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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