onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
