Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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