I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
