I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
