im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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