Don't make out with my wife yet
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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