i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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