Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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