I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
