I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
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Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
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