I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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