I'm going to rape someone's good day.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
