i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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