every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
